Love yourself

With Gusto!

I have been neglecting you my readers... all... 9 or so of you... *waves and smiles* Hey!

I realized that with my notebook full of ideas, my brain over thinking, and the holiday season in full force, I end up not writing for lack of prep time and brain space. When I have time to sit down, I don't want to type out random blather, I want to think things out and edit them 4 times before clicking publish. Instead, I pull out my scissors, fabric, needles and thread and work on making magical things for my children for Christmas. My time is precious as of late.
I apologize for not writing often. I assure you it is because I am living my life with immense passion. And when I dance wholeheartedly in my kitchen with a spatula, flinging bits of scrambled egg to my overjoyed chihuahua, Bing Crosby Christmas songs and the giggles of my children for accompaniment, I do think of you. I think of how I wish I could capture this moment and share the joy that threatens to burst out of my fingers and toes like sun rays.
Live with passion my friends! We all have to live. You might as well do it big!

Grain-Free Banana Apple Spice Pancakes

Delicious healthiness must be shared! The people demand occasional recipes!

Please excuse the not-so-awesome picture, but these babies flew so fast, I had to snap this shot of my husbands plate between bites, while he was cutting up some for the littles! They are YUMMY!
Banana Apple Spice Pancakes
In Blender:
6 eggs
2 bananas
1 gala apple
1 cup almond butter
1-2 tbsp honey
1 tsp vanilla
1/8 tsp baking soda
2 tbsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp ginger
1/2 tsp clove
1 tsp nutmeg
(Give or take on the spices according to preference.) Pre-chop fruit if your blender requires it. Add all ingredients and blend until incorporated. Pour or spoon onto hot griddle and carefully flip when bubbles in the center of each pancake pop and the hole stays. Let cook for a minute or so on second side until done. Serve with butter and pure maple syrup, or apple butter (or yogurt, or honey... or nothing. They are really good on their own!)
This made approximately 25 4 inch pancakes.
Pure awesomeness.
I wish you full bellies, healthy bodies, and moments happy enough to make you sigh.
Enjoy!

Keeping Things Human

Think about the people in your life. Think of any you may feel anger or frustration toward. Now ask yourself honestly, are you seeing them as a person? As someone with reasons, personal experiences, and individual perspective behind their actions? Or are you seeing them as an object- something in your way, to be moved, manipulated, bent to your will or else be tossed from your life?
About 5 years ago my dad gifted every member of our family with a paperback copy of The Anatomy of Peace. Our family was not what you would call cohesive at the time. We were hardly even communicative. I personally harbored a lot of resentment toward my parents and siblings. I dreaded every family event and came home feeling judged and angry. I'll admit that it took me more than a year to even crack the cover of the Christmas gift that I had inwardly rolled my eyes at and set aside. I'm still not sure what prompted me to finally read it. When I finally did open that cover, there was a note glued into the binding. It was from my daddy- a note of apology and love. I dove into reading. Thus began a new phase of personal evolution, as I digested such a simple concept that is so meaningful and began to apply it in my own life.

...when our hearts are at war, we can't see clearly. We give ourselves the best opportunity to make clear-minded decisions only to the extent that our hearts are at peace.

This simple shift in perspective changed me. Peace, which seemed so longed for and ironically hard-fought, became a constant and reliable backdrop to my thoughts and emotions. I won't claim to be perfect about it. I have to pause and question my perspective sometimes- when I feel that negative energy- those sapping, pride-fueled emotions that consume me and if allowed to fester, leave me feeling wrung lifeless and burnt. I have to remind myself that offense only exists if it is taken, that my own perspective is not the only one involved, and that I must respect the intelligence and divine nature of those around me. It does not matter if I don't understand their perspective- they feel it, they live it, and that is what I have to work with. A confrontational argument convinces no one of change or fault. It only damages trust and causes pain and anger. People don't change until they decide to- out of love, out of need or out of clear-thinking logic. These elements aren't apparent in the presence of anger. We must encourage change- in ourselves and others- from a place of peace and love.

Know Thyself

It was 2005. My second child, a snuggly cheery little chub of a thing, was just a babe. I did my best to work out regularly, and I thought I ate pretty healthily, but I was sitting at my highest weight of 207 lbs. In so many ways I was happy. I felt like I was learning to love more openly and fully. But there was that one thing. That nagging feeling that I was a strong, lean body wearing a fat suit. I refused to accept that I was destined to feel so awkward in my own body for the rest of my life, but my own body was a mystery to me. I couldn't lose weight. My uncle said he thought it might be a candida issue. I made an appointment with my doctor and ended up seeing his nurse practitioner who prescribed me phentermine- a weight loss drug. I'd always been dubious of drugs, but I tried it... for a day. I felt like my brain was on low-pulse electroshock therapy and I couldn't sit still. It was an awful feeling! I knew there had to be a better way, but as a busy mom of two, it just seemed beyond my mental capacity to put in the effort to figure it out. Fast forward a few months of putting my health on the back burner, and I found myself dealing with awful symptoms of severe hormonal imbalance. My doc had no clue what to do besides throw drugs at me, and my midwife recommended a few things, but was mostly at a loss. I decided that information had to be out there, and I shouldn't be dependent on the education of someone else to find it. That is when I turned to my friend Google, and began an educational road of exhaustive research and weeding out "facts", in taking my health into my own hands. It has been a slow process. I changed just one and sometimes a few things at a time. I lived them, made sure they worked for me, tweaked where needed and then moved to the next step. I went through phases- the chemical cleansing stage, the long vegetarian stage with a brief vegan stage thrown in, a couple of having-a-baby stages, a P90X stage, and an exhausted-from-trying stage, to name a few. Some things worked well for weight loss and not for health, and some for health but not weight loss. Some things stuck and I kept them, some things got tossed. Happily I've come to a lovely and I believe very sustainable balance. I won't stop growing, learning and changing. If I did, it would mean I'd stopped living!
My point is this: We should be our own experiment. Learning from experience what is best for you and your body is crucial if you hope to be the best you. They call it the n=1 experiment. You are your own case study. Most of us do this kind of thing subconsciously without labeling it as such. From my n=1 experiments I have learned that:
I am very sensitive to parabens.
I don't do well with chemicals.
I feel my best when I live barefoot.
I need mass amounts of veggies in my diet, but...
I also need animal protein to feel my best.
Grains are not my friends.
Food coloring makes me angry.
Artificial sweeteners make me sick.
Orange cheeses make me gassy.
Saturated fat is wonderful for my hormones and my happiness.
Sunshine and vitamin D supplementation kick my SAD to the curb.
Chocolate is a necessary part of my life- the darker the better.
I can find an essential oil to help with almost any issue.
My body doesn't like road running, but it adores trail running.
Yoga. Yoga. Yoga.
Lifting heavy things is awesome.

The list could continue, but I shan't bore you. Instead I'll encourage you to start your own list- past, present and future. Write it down, see how far you've come and imagine the possibilities of where you could go. How awesome could you be?!
My body isn't a mystery to me anymore. You can get to know your body pretty well if you just pay attention and really try. The more in touch you get with this body you live in, the better you can live to your full potential.

It is nothing short of empowering.

Being Extraordinary

Sometimes I do things that others wouldn't dare to try, simply to fulfill the need to feel extraordinary.

This past weekend, my best friends (who are family), my husband and I supported my brother-in-law in his extraordinary feat of completing a 50 mile race out in the desert. I was amazed at the caliber of seemingly ordinary people that gathered to push beyond the limitations of "normal". As we drove, ran, waited, danced, crewed and cared for each other, I felt my mental thumb pin down one of the reasons that attempting the extraordinary appeals to me. When we push the boundaries and step outside of the everyday situation, decorum dissolves. There are no strangers. Preference fades in the face of necessity, acceptance and support are prevalent. We are stripped of all preface and become so very basically human. When this happens by choice, those involved often become their best selves despite struggle and often because of it. It gets gritty- there is sweat, dirt, and various bodily functions involved, but no one cares. I had the unique experience of sitting in the relative privacy of a desert shrub on a bucket with a bag in it, starting at the most marvelous view I've ever had from 'the pot' as the few people within miles graciously looked the other way and handed me the TP when I couldn't reach it. I won't lie, and it makes me laugh to say it, but it was kind of incredible. Bodily functions aside, there was not a runner or crew member that we came in contact with that we wouldn't have given the shirts off our backs during that time. The feeling of camaraderie and shared humanity was poignant. By the time we hit the finish line, cheering the 100 milers on their way, I had a passel of new friends- most of whose names I didn't even know.

I think that for me, having experiences like this- especially physically demanding ones, reminds me that I am amazing. My soul is bright and giving. My body is a work of art, design and machinery that I am in awe of and so grateful for. It reminds me to care for my body and abilities that I have and never take them for granted. It magnifies the unconquerable human spirit. It prompts me to aid and support others, not only in extraordinary circumstance, but in the commonplace and often unseen struggles that are occurring for those around me daily.
Those around me are amazing too.

Loving without Owning

How often do you see a cute puppy, purse, pair of shoes or even a car and immediately think, "I NEED that!" As humans it happens to us on a daily basis. Something in us triggers the greed switch and we must own the object we love. It's not always a bad thing. Sometimes it serves a real purpose. And it's not surprising, considering that we are bombarded with advertisement every time we turn a corner. We are conditioned to want. I think a real issue arises when that conditioning transfers to our view of the people around us.
I have a sweet friend whom I adore. She moved into my neighborhood about 5 years ago, and the first time I met her I couldn't help but think, "I want to keep her!" From accumulation of past experience, I know that it doesn't work that way with people. My friend and I spend a lot of time together for a few months, and then when that didn't work well, we saw each other rarely, and felt awkward when we did. Then one day as we talked, we realized we could adore each other intensely, see each other periodically, and still live our separate lives. We didn't have to get matching t-shirts, adopt each others hobbies, and go to yoga class together to have love and admiration between us. People aren't objects. You can't buy them and carry them around in your pocket. That's not love, it's selfish in every sense of the word. The problem is that our consumer society is conditioned to work that way. Why are divorce rates so high, and physical and emotional abuse so rampant? When you look at it simplistically, and for the sake of making my point, marriage is our only legal way of owning a person. My husband is mine, and I am his- willingly and happily in our instance.

We find someone we want to keep, and we legally bind them to us. We dress up pretty, say our vows and pledge ourselves body and soul. That commitment is a choice to be honored. Physical intimacy can become a separate control aspect. The attraction is intense and you just want. It is one of the easier ways in our human condition to exert power and ownership. But what happens when suddenly there is more than one cute puppy? Do you cast your current favorite aside? Do you start a collection?
I recently read about a man (from his own point of view) who was very much in love with his wife of more than a decade, but found himself falling in love with their close friend- wanting her. He wrote of his confusion and desperation. How could he love more than one woman?
This is what got my brain jogging. I looked internally and found situations in my own life that might compare. Do I have people in my life that would potentially threaten my most committed relationships and cause me to hurt the people I love most? It may surprise you that the answer is yes. Every one of us has them- and for the most part the threat lies not in them, but in ourselves. I think the answer lies in the way that we view them. Must we own everyone that we love? Can we let go of that need to own, and love without condition? Without requirement or qualification?

We must love a person enough to allow for their needs. We must allow them to learn and struggle. We can be there when they need us, but let go of our need for control.

Learning and experiencing this principle of unconditional love has not only brought me the most nourishing, lasting and beautiful friendships I have ever had, but has strengthened my relationship with my husband. He is secure in his place in my heart and my life. It is not a slot to fill, to be changed out at will. Our relationship exists because of the two of us.

When I realized that people were not objects there to fill the slots- best friend, husband, neighbor, acquaintance, etc. - my world expanded. The 'slots'- those places in my life, are infinite and beyond definition. As infinite as the number of people I may ever come in contact with.

We can let go of requirements, and realize that just because we don't share views or don't see each other often, it does not make that person unworthy of care. We can also have everything in common and love intensely without the obsession of ownership and without endangering the relationships that we have.

When it comes to personal relationships, the choices aren't own or shun. There is love enough.