I have started so many blog posts in the past few months. I wanted to write about all the good things- the Tushars half marathon, my birthday Lone Peak summit, all of the life I have lived and loved through as I've made progress through therapy. My victories! I couldn't figure out why it didn't work. My brain would get to a certain point and be done. Can't write long. Can't read long. Can't drive long. Something is still very off with my body and brain. So I had some tests done. (I'm skimming over a lot of this because I know my brain energy is limited.) Things are off. My adrenal levels are through the roof and my thyroid levels aren't. My female hormones are whack and my brain function and coordination are sub-par. So I had some more labs drawn. we've tested blood, urine, spit... I've filled out metabolic surveys and brain function surveys.
There are concerns. And I wanted to wait until I had results to tell people, but friends and family are noticing that something is wrong, and life can't wait. All of the in-between is life too, and it must be lived. When I get my labs back and I know things for sure, I think it will all make better sense. So far there have been some scary words thrown into the mix, like "brain degeneration", and "autoimmune disease", and "tumor". They are all just possibilities right now. we don't know yet. It may be simple. It may be very complicated. We just don't know. But we will. And I can handle it. We can handle it.
Am I scared? Yes. Am I confident? Yes. I can do hard things.
I taught my first yoga class in two and a half years today. I kept waiting until I felt confident, until I had more to give, until I was done healing from my shattered ankle reconstruction, and then my abdominal surgery, and then my shoulder injury, and then my broken foot and my torn shoulder, and then PTSD, and then.... and then.
Life can't wait. Do what you can with what you have. And love. Always love the most.