Pieces of us

Sometimes I think I'm pretty great. I live big. I put my best parts out there and I hope to aid, uplift and inspire. But I think there are many people out there who also need to see some vulnerable humanity. Those who need to know they do not struggle alone. So here it is:

You do not struggle alone.

Sometimes I hear of windfall, blessings and great positivity, and I want to kick someone in the knees and go huddle in a corner. Sometimes my heart breaks a little while I applaud the triumphs of my friends and family. Sometimes I feel so inadequate that I just want to shrivel up and stop trying. I wonder why my heart leaps a bit when my classmate takes on a full teaching load, while I sit paralyzed, four practice hours from my certificate, unable to make myself schedule a class. I wonder that I can cheer and hug and feel elation when my husband or brother or friend crosses a finish line, and when I do it myself all I can think is how I could have been better, or stronger, or braver. I steal these moments from myself. I discount my own marvelous accomplishments. I am blind to so much of my own beauty.

These pieces of me. They make no sense. They are painful and messy and hard to deal with. I don't understand them. But they help me to be kind.

They help me to remember that others have pieces too. Pieces made up of self-doubt and self-loathing. Pieces of uncertainty, fear, longing. They help me to be merciful.

My friends, when you find yourself moaning over the obnoxious teenager, or the forgetful soccer mom, or even that one person who seems to have it all together and just annoyingly won't conform to your needs, please try to pause and remember their pieces. Their demons hurt. We all have them. We all fight them daily from inside. Every last one of us is vulnerable and soft in some way. Let's not give each other more to defend from, more reasons to be hard. Let's instead reflect each others goodness. It isn't our job to control someone else's pride or "fix" them. Let's love, uplift, build each other up, protect, and soften the blows that life inevitably throws at us. Let's do that for each other.

By the way, have you looked in the mirror lately? You're pretty amazing.

Love yourself

With Gusto!

I have been neglecting you my readers... all... 9 or so of you... *waves and smiles* Hey!

I realized that with my notebook full of ideas, my brain over thinking, and the holiday season in full force, I end up not writing for lack of prep time and brain space. When I have time to sit down, I don't want to type out random blather, I want to think things out and edit them 4 times before clicking publish. Instead, I pull out my scissors, fabric, needles and thread and work on making magical things for my children for Christmas. My time is precious as of late.
I apologize for not writing often. I assure you it is because I am living my life with immense passion. And when I dance wholeheartedly in my kitchen with a spatula, flinging bits of scrambled egg to my overjoyed chihuahua, Bing Crosby Christmas songs and the giggles of my children for accompaniment, I do think of you. I think of how I wish I could capture this moment and share the joy that threatens to burst out of my fingers and toes like sun rays.
Live with passion my friends! We all have to live. You might as well do it big!

Grain-Free Banana Apple Spice Pancakes

Delicious healthiness must be shared! The people demand occasional recipes!

Please excuse the not-so-awesome picture, but these babies flew so fast, I had to snap this shot of my husbands plate between bites, while he was cutting up some for the littles! They are YUMMY!
Banana Apple Spice Pancakes
In Blender:
6 eggs
2 bananas
1 gala apple
1 cup almond butter
1-2 tbsp honey
1 tsp vanilla
1/8 tsp baking soda
2 tbsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp ginger
1/2 tsp clove
1 tsp nutmeg
(Give or take on the spices according to preference.) Pre-chop fruit if your blender requires it. Add all ingredients and blend until incorporated. Pour or spoon onto hot griddle and carefully flip when bubbles in the center of each pancake pop and the hole stays. Let cook for a minute or so on second side until done. Serve with butter and pure maple syrup, or apple butter (or yogurt, or honey... or nothing. They are really good on their own!)
This made approximately 25 4 inch pancakes.
Pure awesomeness.
I wish you full bellies, healthy bodies, and moments happy enough to make you sigh.
Enjoy!

Keeping Things Human

Think about the people in your life. Think of any you may feel anger or frustration toward. Now ask yourself honestly, are you seeing them as a person? As someone with reasons, personal experiences, and individual perspective behind their actions? Or are you seeing them as an object- something in your way, to be moved, manipulated, bent to your will or else be tossed from your life?
About 5 years ago my dad gifted every member of our family with a paperback copy of The Anatomy of Peace. Our family was not what you would call cohesive at the time. We were hardly even communicative. I personally harbored a lot of resentment toward my parents and siblings. I dreaded every family event and came home feeling judged and angry. I'll admit that it took me more than a year to even crack the cover of the Christmas gift that I had inwardly rolled my eyes at and set aside. I'm still not sure what prompted me to finally read it. When I finally did open that cover, there was a note glued into the binding. It was from my daddy- a note of apology and love. I dove into reading. Thus began a new phase of personal evolution, as I digested such a simple concept that is so meaningful and began to apply it in my own life.

...when our hearts are at war, we can't see clearly. We give ourselves the best opportunity to make clear-minded decisions only to the extent that our hearts are at peace.

This simple shift in perspective changed me. Peace, which seemed so longed for and ironically hard-fought, became a constant and reliable backdrop to my thoughts and emotions. I won't claim to be perfect about it. I have to pause and question my perspective sometimes- when I feel that negative energy- those sapping, pride-fueled emotions that consume me and if allowed to fester, leave me feeling wrung lifeless and burnt. I have to remind myself that offense only exists if it is taken, that my own perspective is not the only one involved, and that I must respect the intelligence and divine nature of those around me. It does not matter if I don't understand their perspective- they feel it, they live it, and that is what I have to work with. A confrontational argument convinces no one of change or fault. It only damages trust and causes pain and anger. People don't change until they decide to- out of love, out of need or out of clear-thinking logic. These elements aren't apparent in the presence of anger. We must encourage change- in ourselves and others- from a place of peace and love.

Know Thyself

It was 2005. My second child, a snuggly cheery little chub of a thing, was just a babe. I did my best to work out regularly, and I thought I ate pretty healthily, but I was sitting at my highest weight of 207 lbs. In so many ways I was happy. I felt like I was learning to love more openly and fully. But there was that one thing. That nagging feeling that I was a strong, lean body wearing a fat suit. I refused to accept that I was destined to feel so awkward in my own body for the rest of my life, but my own body was a mystery to me. I couldn't lose weight. My uncle said he thought it might be a candida issue. I made an appointment with my doctor and ended up seeing his nurse practitioner who prescribed me phentermine- a weight loss drug. I'd always been dubious of drugs, but I tried it... for a day. I felt like my brain was on low-pulse electroshock therapy and I couldn't sit still. It was an awful feeling! I knew there had to be a better way, but as a busy mom of two, it just seemed beyond my mental capacity to put in the effort to figure it out. Fast forward a few months of putting my health on the back burner, and I found myself dealing with awful symptoms of severe hormonal imbalance. My doc had no clue what to do besides throw drugs at me, and my midwife recommended a few things, but was mostly at a loss. I decided that information had to be out there, and I shouldn't be dependent on the education of someone else to find it. That is when I turned to my friend Google, and began an educational road of exhaustive research and weeding out "facts", in taking my health into my own hands. It has been a slow process. I changed just one and sometimes a few things at a time. I lived them, made sure they worked for me, tweaked where needed and then moved to the next step. I went through phases- the chemical cleansing stage, the long vegetarian stage with a brief vegan stage thrown in, a couple of having-a-baby stages, a P90X stage, and an exhausted-from-trying stage, to name a few. Some things worked well for weight loss and not for health, and some for health but not weight loss. Some things stuck and I kept them, some things got tossed. Happily I've come to a lovely and I believe very sustainable balance. I won't stop growing, learning and changing. If I did, it would mean I'd stopped living!
My point is this: We should be our own experiment. Learning from experience what is best for you and your body is crucial if you hope to be the best you. They call it the n=1 experiment. You are your own case study. Most of us do this kind of thing subconsciously without labeling it as such. From my n=1 experiments I have learned that:
I am very sensitive to parabens.
I don't do well with chemicals.
I feel my best when I live barefoot.
I need mass amounts of veggies in my diet, but...
I also need animal protein to feel my best.
Grains are not my friends.
Food coloring makes me angry.
Artificial sweeteners make me sick.
Orange cheeses make me gassy.
Saturated fat is wonderful for my hormones and my happiness.
Sunshine and vitamin D supplementation kick my SAD to the curb.
Chocolate is a necessary part of my life- the darker the better.
I can find an essential oil to help with almost any issue.
My body doesn't like road running, but it adores trail running.
Yoga. Yoga. Yoga.
Lifting heavy things is awesome.

The list could continue, but I shan't bore you. Instead I'll encourage you to start your own list- past, present and future. Write it down, see how far you've come and imagine the possibilities of where you could go. How awesome could you be?!
My body isn't a mystery to me anymore. You can get to know your body pretty well if you just pay attention and really try. The more in touch you get with this body you live in, the better you can live to your full potential.

It is nothing short of empowering.

Being Extraordinary

Sometimes I do things that others wouldn't dare to try, simply to fulfill the need to feel extraordinary.

This past weekend, my best friends (who are family), my husband and I supported my brother-in-law in his extraordinary feat of completing a 50 mile race out in the desert. I was amazed at the caliber of seemingly ordinary people that gathered to push beyond the limitations of "normal". As we drove, ran, waited, danced, crewed and cared for each other, I felt my mental thumb pin down one of the reasons that attempting the extraordinary appeals to me. When we push the boundaries and step outside of the everyday situation, decorum dissolves. There are no strangers. Preference fades in the face of necessity, acceptance and support are prevalent. We are stripped of all preface and become so very basically human. When this happens by choice, those involved often become their best selves despite struggle and often because of it. It gets gritty- there is sweat, dirt, and various bodily functions involved, but no one cares. I had the unique experience of sitting in the relative privacy of a desert shrub on a bucket with a bag in it, starting at the most marvelous view I've ever had from 'the pot' as the few people within miles graciously looked the other way and handed me the TP when I couldn't reach it. I won't lie, and it makes me laugh to say it, but it was kind of incredible. Bodily functions aside, there was not a runner or crew member that we came in contact with that we wouldn't have given the shirts off our backs during that time. The feeling of camaraderie and shared humanity was poignant. By the time we hit the finish line, cheering the 100 milers on their way, I had a passel of new friends- most of whose names I didn't even know.

I think that for me, having experiences like this- especially physically demanding ones, reminds me that I am amazing. My soul is bright and giving. My body is a work of art, design and machinery that I am in awe of and so grateful for. It reminds me to care for my body and abilities that I have and never take them for granted. It magnifies the unconquerable human spirit. It prompts me to aid and support others, not only in extraordinary circumstance, but in the commonplace and often unseen struggles that are occurring for those around me daily.
Those around me are amazing too.